Step 1. I admitted that I was powerless over my problems - That my life had become unmanageable. (This was an understatement to say the least. January 19th 1996 I hit my bottom. At 5'10'', 129lbs (I'm over 200lbs today) Having lost everything, Family, House, Jobs, respect, dignity, you name it I lost it. All I had left where the clothes on my back, the 68 firebird my dad left me and the jewelry he had on when he died, my cat, And my addiction to drugs.)
Step 2. I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. ( I had found a temporary place to stay in the back yard of a my friends dads house, his dad collected and horded stuff, a lot of stuff, and amidst all this stuff was a 28 ft trailer and it was there that I met my higher power. It was about 10pm, it was pouring down rain, I was lying on the bed with my cat in a fetal positions in gut wrenching despair crying deeper and harder than I think I've ever cried. Mourning the loss of everything. And I remember what a friend of mine once told me, she said, all you have to do is call out to God and he will come to you. And it was at this moment I said If there is a God in this universe please help me now. January 20th 1996 I woke up at 5:30 in the morning, something I hadn't done in at least 3 yrs, completely clear headed and feeling like a brand new person. I was not quit sure what had happened, all I knew was that I did not have the desire to use the drugs I had and that was very weird)
Step 3. I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God .
( Still not sure what was happening to me I made a call to my friend and told her what had happened and with tears of joy she told me that I belonged to God now, and for the next 6 months I wondered around trying to figure out what this all meant I belonged to God. I was going to N/A, A/A meetings with another friend of mine whom had found recovery while incarcerated. Actually for the first month I sat in the car while she went to meetings. Eventually I ended up at a place called Higher Power Celebration, and it was there that I met this God face to face, and it was around this time my friend gave me what she said was a letter from my father and he wanted to talk to me. As I read this wonderful letter I realized how much this God I called out too loved me. And though my earthly father died my heavenly father would never leave me. And It was there that I made the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of GOD!)
Step 4. I made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. (This was the turning point of my journey. Its was also the saddest, hardest, most painful. One that I could not have done with out my heavenly Father holding my hand. It was here that I found the "why" I was doing the things that brought me to my bottom. and realized it was not the "what" I was using or doing that caused the train wreck that had become my life. It was here we found frozen in emotional time an angry, hurting, lonely, very scared 10 year old boy lost in an adult body. It was here that my heavenly father called out to me, Marty come here its OK, I'm here I'll protect you Its OK, he picked me up and held me and it was than I knew I would be OK, with a big smile he said its time to grow and take responsibility for life. As I sat and did my 4th step, the hours of writing my life secrets and processing the emotions that came with each page, going back to the exact moment I froze emotionally being able to do this in the comfort of my fathers arms made it OK. )
Step 5. I admitted to God, to myself, and to my sponsor the exact nature of my wrongs. ( What I thought was going to be the hard part was in reality the easy part, admitting to God. You see what I learned is he already knew everything about me. He was there for me, holding my hand through the whole 4th step showing me the exact nature of my wrongs, this was the hardest part, me facing me. Finding someone I could trust to walk with me through this process was something I did before I started the steps. I needed someone that was going to hold me accountable, tough loving, someone that was not going to put up with my little bully. I found Gary.)
Step 6. I was entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. (Learning to grieve the past and grow towards the future was something scary, new and exciting. Having this wonderful letter from God showing me how to put off the old and put on the new, I got on my knees and ask God to forgive me for my sins and with a smile he said as far as the east is from the west I have removed your sins my son.)
Step 7. I humbly asked God to remove my shortcomings. ( Changes in behavior, this is the work in progress, by asking God to remove my shortcoming allows me to constantly rely on his power not mine to help clear out the mess and rebuild the future he has for me. He knows that I will continue to struggle to overcome, and from his letter I'm learning that it's by his grace and love that carries me through. I need to humble myself before the LORD daily.)
Step 8. I made a list of all the people I had harmed and became willing to make a mends to them all.(When I first read this step before actually doing the steps, I thought to myself, make a list of all the people I'd harmed, are you kidding, this was going to be a very long list. How was I supposed to do this? Than I remembered what God had taught me, Gods in-control of my life, I'm in-charge. So when I got to this step and made my list, I than turned around and gave it to God.)
Step 9. I made a direct mends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. ( This step can be overwhelming to say the least, where do you start? It is amazing, giving God my list, with his perfect timing, he Knows exactly who and when to bring into my life, so practicing this step became exciting not frighting. one thing to remember about this step is that it says whenever possible, not all at once. Another thing about giving God control over these steps is the miracles he does, the relationships he's restored that I thought where gone for ever, only God can do this!.)
Step 10. I continue to take a personal inventory, and when I'm wrong, promptly admit it. (Check your self, before you wreck your self, this is how I live my life today. Using this wonderful letter my Farther has given me, along with the tools I've learned working through the steps, I'm able to put into practice these biblical principles.)
Step 11. I sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out. ( Have you ever thought, man wouldn't it be nice if I could start over, clean slate, knowing what I know now, things would be different. Well that's the good news about this process. I've learned that I can start over, I'm born again, brand new child of God. The old life is dead and my new life has begun. Now I seek my heavenly Father, constantly asking for his advice on ever aspect of my life, He's there to comfort me, guide me, counsel me, and yes even discipline me. This is the free gift he gives to all of his children that come to him. NOW THAT'S LOVE.)
Step 12 Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, I try to carry this massage to others and I try to practice these principles in all my affairs. (The free gift God as given to me is not just for me, its for anyone and everyone that asks. I don't chase people down and try to convince them this is the way, that's not my job, but when my Father brings someone into my path and they are seeking and struggling with there Hurts, habits, and hangups and they want what I have, than I here to do my Fathers will.)
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
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